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The HEAL YOU newsletter is dedicated to helping you heal chronic stress, trauma, and nervous system dysregulation, with a special focus on the lasting impact of loving someone struggling with addiction.
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Holidays: Joy and Sorrow Exists Together
You know what is really great about October 31st? It’s just one day aways from November 1st, which means Christmas decorating begins! Yayyyy!!! The red and green Rubbermaid bins get unearthed, dusted off and opened. Little delicately placed items gently removed one by one. 1950’s wooden gnome-like candle holders with red little hats; pink, blue and green modern glass Christmas tree centerpieces; the holly leaf picture frame that holds a picture of my daughter when she was maybe 3 years old, wearing a red “Little House on the Prairie” style dress with snow boots, while sitting on the lap of a genuine 1940’s looking Santa Claus; and then the most beloved decorations of all….the collection of nutcrackers. Some collected from thrift stores during our stint of living in Texas, others given as gifts from family members, year after year a new member of the nutcracker family arrived and has left the collection vast and diverse.
Our tradition for years has been to pull out all the decor on November 1st, except the Christmas tree (we wait for that until after Thanksgiving so the needles don’t shed before the grander of Christmas morning). Although this year will be different with it’s own set of emotions as I decorate without my daughter for the first time due to collegiate duties that now fill her time, I love the holidays and the merriment and colors, and the lights, and the songs, and the beauty, and the fresh snow, and the hot coco, and the time together as a family.
I know where my love for the holidays was spurred, my mom. She was a epic holiday-er! She homemade gifts for those within our community, even when we didn’t have much ourselves. She decorated our home with homemade ornaments and crafts (way before homemade was cool, she was resourceful as our family of six survived on minimal finances during my first decade of life). Her passion to make our home cozy and full of love and beauty, even with little means, increased the sparkle of this time of year. She baked cookies and breads, butter horns (OMG, these are soooo good, I could eat WAY too many of them). She made jams, pies and cakes.
This time of year was special because of her passion for time together as a family. So although for my little family, this time of year is full of magic and beauty, for my family of origin, the season feels quite a bit different. Yes, there is still a sense of wonder, with good food and laughter with board games, but there is a void. And there will always be a void. This ambiguous grief, a sadness felt when you experience a loss that has no clear ending or closure, settles into each of us differently.
We have the memories, the wild holidays with homes full of busy-ness and babies. Loud and exuberant. So much laughter. So much noise. So much energy. My sister, there with her young daughter and partner, lounging on the couch watching the game. My brother finagling his children of three with his wife alongside. My younger brother and I tagging along, playing with the nieces and nephew, helping wrap gifts, and making incredible meals together. Mom and dad, wrestling the crew with just the right amount of love to spark a holiday that was remarkably memorable.
When you loose half of your siblings to addiction, you loose so much more than just them. The void is incomprehensible, even if they haven’t died. Addiction creates chaos, hardships and grief that is layered within the years of struggle. Relationships broken and strained, families split and torn, traditions splayed and splintered in the wake.
Naturally, along the way, it’s impossible to NOT try everything under the sun to reclaim the loss, to fix the void, to mend and help those you love in anyway possible.
Because you miss them.
Because the holidays are lonely without them.
Because no one makes grilled shrimp like them.
Because no one has style like them.
Because you miss their kids around the tree.
Because their place settings around the table sit empty.
Because board games aren’t as much fun with only half the attendees.
Because you don’t get as many gifts …..JK, just felt the need to lighten it up a bit, I was getting teary here!
And sometimes, many times, that craving to “fix them” and “put it all back together” becomes a sickness itself, adding increased dysfunction to an already stressed system. In this weeks book, “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie dives in-depth about the “sickness” of trying to fix too much. She calls is codependency and has defined it as such:
“A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling the persons behavior.”
Before I started healing, I had no idea that I was “sick” too. That the dysfunction had impacted me and my behavior greatly. I knew I wasn’t happy with all the chaos and stress. My body was revolting because of the tension in our family, digestion was a muck, constant headaches, numerous surgeries. What I really didn’t realize was that being codependent was impacting me just as negatively as the addictive substances my loved ones were using were impacting them. The outcomes just looked different. I wasn’t loosing my children in custody battles, or abandoning them to the bottle, but I was full of rage and anger, constantly irritated and on edge, without joy. So yes, the impact of addiction within each of us inside the family system, looks very different, but the results aren’t great in most of the participants if people aren’t doing their own healing work.
Melody’s book was an incredible place for me to understand my own role in the system, and how I contributed to the unhealthy cycles. In the book she writes, “It means we learn to love, care and be involved without going crazy.” She encourages us to live our own lives to the best of our ability, and shift the focus to what is good in our lives today, and finding gratitude for that.
It’s hard to not be resentful when you feel as you been given the short end of the stick. Loving those that struggle with addiction made me really resentful. And because I couldn’t fix it, it made me even more resentful and full of rage towards them and life in general. It felt impossible to make sense out of the chaos. It felt impossible to fix, and that felt hopeless.
Through this reading it felt a little easier to understand how to detach from someone I love, without feeling indifferent. She discusses anger, boundaries, self care, acceptance, feeling your feelings, communication and so much more. Really, because she’d been through both sides of the struggle, addiction and codependency, her wisdom is incredibly helpful and sheds beautiful perspective on these difficulties we experience within loving those struggling with addiction.
Whenever I feel my overwhelming desire to “fix it” or “fix someone”, I turn to the insight on these pages and find support and clarity. Maybe they will do the same for you as well. These books won’t bring back those vibrant celebrations of the past, nor can they mend the years we’ve missed with our loved ones, AND they can help us process the current experiences and navigate the present with more softness and clarity. And most of all, they have helped me to reclaim joy, even if it’s alongside the heartache of the persistent loss.
Have you read Codependent No More? What did you think? If you haven’t read it, would you consider it now? Do you have other titles that have been really instrumental to your journey, if so, I’d love to hear!
AND, again and always, thanks for being here. Thanks for embarking on your own healing. It is the most brave work you can do, and we are all better off when we are all showing up and working on the hard stuff.
Sending so much light and love,
Heidi
Website to access all the happnenings ---> lifenflow.com
1) DIY: FREE 40 day Somatic Practice ---> LINK HERE
2) DIY: Year of Somatic Daily Practice Library with Workbook ---> LINK HERE
3) Individual Somatic Therapy ---> LINK HERE - Accepting New Clients!
Private 1:1 therapy sessions offering personalized support through compassionate, trauma-informed care, somatic practices, and mindful exploration to help you reconnect with yourself, gain clarity, and cultivate meaning (ONLY in person and online for clients within Wyoming).
4) Retreats ---> LINK HERE
Immersive Somatic and Breathwork experiences designed to reconnect you with your body, regulate your nervous system, and cultivate healing through breath, movement, mindfulness, and embodied awareness. All are welcome!
SUBMERGE Alaska 2026 - WHAT AN INCREDIBLE EXPERIENCE!!!, more details on this epic adventure with such beautiful humans coming sooooon!!!!!
SUBMERGE Tulum 2027 - Registration open!! --->LINK HERE
ONLINE MEETINGS:
1) The Heart of Recovery -
A weekly meeting that joins Buddhist meditation and spiritual step work, in order to connect to and engage in a commitment to recovery from addiction, and the everyday addictive behaviors and patterns in our lives. Anyone is invited to participate. Learn more here.
2) Al-Anon Meetings -
Al-Anon is a mutual support group for those that live around addiction. Anyone who's lives have been affected by another person’s addiction is welcome. Online electronic meeting information found here.
ADDITIONAL SUPPORT:
1) Podcast: HOPESTREAM - Hopestream Community™ is the not-for-profit destination for support, education and resources for parents of teens and young adults struggling with substance misuse and mental health challenges.
2) Website: SAMHSA - Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administraion -Resource for Families coping with mental health and substance abuse disorders.
3) Website: RECOVERY RESEARCH INSTITUTE - A Guide for family members.
4) Books: Titles that might help you understand addiction and various forms of healing modalities:
Codependent No More - Melody Beattie
In The Realm of Hungry Ghosts - Gabor Mate, M.D.
You Can Heal Your Life - Louise Hay
The Untethered Soul - Micheal Singer
The Body Keeps the Score - Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D.
What Happened to You - Bruce D, Perry , M.D. Ph.D.
The Dance of Anger - Harriet G. Lerner, Ph.D.
A Monks Guide to Happiness - Gelong Thubten
SOURCES USED:
1) Beattie, M. (2022). Codependent no more: How to stop controlling others and start caring for yourself. Spiegel & Grau.
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