HEARTACHE: How to accept their journey and not make it your own?

Understand how to heal YOU while loving those suffering from addiction. 

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Heartache is one of the most visceral emotions we experience as humans. You may feel it in your chest, or in your gut, in your palms, or (yes) even in your head. But, the point is you are going to feel it. 

Heartache shows up differently for everybody, but no matter how it shows up there is typically some sort of physical identifier– like feeling sick to your stomach when you receive devastating news.

Now, I don’t want to belabor all of the circumstances that can lead to feeling heartache. But, I do want to remind you that experiencing the full spectrum of emotions is part of being human. And if you are someone, as many of us here are, who lives around a loved one with addiction, navigating heartache is likely familiar territory.

Unfortunately, heartache is a reality of being human. And a reason I tried to numb for decades. It’s hard as hell to sit with heartache. To allow the feelings to permeate, until they are ready to pass. I always thought that allowing myself to feel heartache would mean I wouldn’t make it through….that there was just too much pain to allow myself to feel, I was afraid I couldn’t take it. I was sure it would be the end of me, all that feeling. 

As it turned out, all the trying to avoid feeling was what almost took me out. Numbing and repressing emotions only lasts so long until it begins to catch up with you. In some way or another it will begin to manifest throughout your world. 

• Maybe it'll show up with super volatile reactions and rage towards your children or partners or relationships at work. 

• Or your physical body will hold onto all the stored emotions and there won’t be any energy for health, and the body will start to fall apart. 

• Sometimes it’s in relationships that you desire to be fully present, but you just can’t allow yourself to connect and be vulnerable with another human. 

• You might turn cold and resentful towards life overall. 

• Enjoyment becomes out of the question, and life turns into a hum-drum-numb cycle of joyless, listless existence. 

When you numb out the heartache, you stay numb to the joy of life too. And life it meant to be enjoyed, even amidst the challenges.

Heartache may cause you to maintain one sided relationships, which may lead to codependency. 

Codependency in relationships with addiction often leads to unhealthy sacrifice, where one person prioritizes the addict’s needs at the cost of their own well-being. Codependency is when there is excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner typically because they require more support due to an illness or addiction. It is important to let go of the responsibility you may feel for how others act and your desire to rescue them from their consequences. 

How to know if you’re struggling with codependency?

1. Are you constantly putting others first? Neglecting your own needs, dreams and overall health in order to care for others.

2. Do you have difficulty setting boundaries? Struggling to say no or set limits, many times overcommitting to avoid conflict or rejection.

3. Do you people-please? Going to great lengths to try and ensure the happiness of others, even if it means sacrificing your own happiness or comfort.

4. Are you experiencing low self-esteem? Feeling unworthy of love or respect unless you’re meeting others' needs, and basing your self-worth on others’ approval.

5. Are you emotionally over-involved?  Taking on the emotional pain of others, and taking responsibility for others feelings or problems.

6. Do you struggle with fear of abandonment? Staying in unhealthy and toxic relationships out of fear of being left alone or rejected.

7. Do you enable destructive behavior? Making excuses for others’ harmful behaviors, and working to ‘fix’ their problems for them.
   
   

Fortunately, one way we can hold space for heartache and break free from codependency is through body-based somatic therapy tools. QUICKSHIFTS are a somatic healing tool to help you work with your emotions– even the uncomfortable ones like heartache.

*Again, not ignore, repress, or disregard– but shift. Shifting perspective and making it safe to feel all emotions, without spiraling with them.

Disclaimer: If at any time this feels too much– like you’re actually starting to feel flooded by the emotions and lose regulation, stop the movements and reach out to a professional to help you safely hold space for these tough emotions. 

The QUICKSHIFT that I recommend for when you are experiencing heartache goes like this:

• Notice – this is always the first step, and the most important!!! If you don’t notice what’s happening in your system, it’s impossible to make changes! SO, great job already! Can you identify what activates your depression? Name it. 

• Pause – take a deep breath directly into your belly. Exhale super slowly.

• Find a comfortable seated position with a tall spine. 

• Cross your arms over your chest. 

• Begint to give yourself a hug. 

• Squeeze your shoulders gently. Allow your heartache to surface. 

• Begin to rock gently left to right, or front to back. 

• Find a gentle rhythm with a slow steady inhale and exhale. 

• Gently close your eyes if that feels comfortable. 

• Hold yourself as you hold space for all the heartache in your world. Say hello to it. Begin to build this relationship with heartache, the pain, the uncertainty. Expand your capacity to be with heartache for 1-3 minutes. 

• Build this relationship slowly. It’s uncomfortable. And needs time to be safely experienced. 

• When you feel the process is complete, return to stillness.

• Notice your breath. Just notice. Increase your capacity to be with the discomfort of heartache, one movement one breath at a time. 

• Continue the deep belly breathing and noticing what has shifted, or moved as you held space for your heartache today. 

Quick Shift– What The Movement Does:

While you are moving with and through heartache:

• your nervous system regulates

• stress and trauma that were stored in your body begin to get “unstuck” or shift

• pent-up tension releases

• your mind-body connection becomes stronger

• you take power and agency back with how you experience emotions

This isn’t an overnight process and these practices aren’t overnight miracles. These QuickShifts are tools. They are small practices that you can commit to consistently to help bring healing into your system. They are ways that you can use your body as a resource to help you heal, rather than a vessel to sink deeper and deeper into heartache.

Commit to this small practice for a brief time each day, and over time you will be amazed at the impact.

I say this confidently because I have been there. I am there and I am still using these tools to help me heal. When I look back and see how far I have come, I cannot help but want to shout out the benefits of body-based healing from the rooftops.

You deserve to heal. Start small– I’m right here with you.

Green Machine!

1 handful of spinach

½ handful of kale

½ of medium cucumber, chopped into slices

5 mint leaves, save one for garnish 

1 cup of apple juice

Instructions: Add all ingredients to a blender, blend on high for several minutes until all the ingredients are fully blended. Pour over a glass of ice. Garnish with a leftover slice of cucumber and sprig of mint. Enjoy with friends!

Online: 

1) The Healing Circle -

Free online monthly somatic healing session (led by Heidi, founder of Life N Flow). Mondays @ 6am MST. Learn more and sign up here. 

2) The Heart of Recovery -

A weekly meeting that joins Buddhist meditation and spiritual step work, in order to connect to and engage in a commitment to recovery from addiction, and the everyday addictive behaviors and patterns in our lives. Anyone is invited to participate. Learn more here. 

3) Al-Anon Meetings - 

Al-Anon is a mutual support group for those that live around addiction. Anyone who's lives have been affected by another person’s addiction is welcome. Online electronic meeting information found here. 

Local Laramie Events: 

1) Al-Anon Meetings -

This link has all recovery meetings for the area, scroll down to see the Al-Anon meeting times and locations. Click here.