Understand how to heal YOU while loving those suffering from addiction.
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You know that emotion that pops up with some real fire?
That emotion that you were told as a child– and likely still as an adult– to shove down?
That emotion that has been deemed “bad” and unfit to express?
Yeah, that emotion……ANGER.
At times, nothing makes me angrier than addiction. The unjust, unfair, super damn confusing, all encompassing, riskiness, unsettling, scary aspects of addiction…..make me really angry.
I get angry at my loved ones.
I get angry at addiction overall.
I get angry at myself.
I get angry because I don't have control.
I get angry at the system.
I get angry because I’m powerless.
I get angry at all the pain.
I get angry at the lack of answers.
I get angry at the shame induced.
I get angry at the lack of treatment.
I get angry at the lack of solutions.
I get angry at the judgement.
I get angry at the isolation.
I get angry at the confusion.
I get angry because I’m sad.
I get angry because I’m annoyed.
I get angry because I can’t fix anyone.
I get angry because they don’t want to even be fixed.
I get angry they are gone, and I’m left to deal.
I get angry because I’m not numb.
I get angry because I’ve lost all joy.
I get angry because life feels unsafe.
I get angry at all the kids left parentless.
I get angry at all the parents left childless.
I get angry at all the lovers left loverless.
I get angry at the unjustness of the entire situation. Everyday.
And all this anger is here for a reason. Because living around those struggling with addiction is complex, and infuriating. Remember though, it’s so very natural, and caused by a vast array of underlying factors.
Sometimes it helps to see it from Merriam-Webster’s point of view: A strong feeling of displeasure. Perfectly stated. Living around addiction creates a strong feeling of displeasure, for everyone involved. The key is this……what is your anger trying to tell you?
In this space, we are learning to hold space for the anger, understand why it keeps popping up, and then finding ways to listen and take action towards healing and creating new patterns within the cycles of living around addiction.
There are SO MANY cycles of addiction that make us so damn angry!
The cycles of addiction within a family system often create a repeating pattern of dysfunction and unhealthy behaviors that impact all members of the household. These cycles can be deeply entrenched and difficult to break, as they involve both the person struggling with addiction and the reactions of family members. One common cycle begins with the addict’s behavior—lying, secretive actions, or substance use—and for those witnessing the addiction, that can so often lead to feelings of tension, anxiety, and frustration.
In response, we, the family, may enable the addict, either out of love, guilt, or fear, by minimizing the behavior or covering for the individual, which allows the addiction to continue unchecked. This enabling behavior can create an unhealthy dynamic where the addict's behavior is tolerated or ignored, often out of a fear of conflict or a desire to keep peace within the family. I’ll say that part again…..out of fear of conflict or desire to keep peace within the family, behavior is tolerated or ignored…..and the cycles continue with fervent force.
Another cycle is the "rescuer" pattern, where family members try to "save" the addicted individual by taking on extra responsibilities, fixing problems, or making excuses for the addict's actions. While these actions come from a place of love or concern, they can unintentionally reinforce the addict's dependency and avoidant behaviors. Again, the cycles continue.
Similarly, the family may fall into patterns of blaming, shaming, or over-controlling the addict, which only deepens the addict's sense of isolation and shame. As this cycle continues, the emotional toll on the family increases, and resentment and ANGER can build. Children in the family may internalize the dysfunction, growing up with their own set of unhealthy coping mechanisms, anxiety, or even developing addictive behaviors themselves as they navigate the chaos.
Breaking these family cycles is super tough. Damn tough. Sometimes impossibly tough. Especially if your family has different perspectives on what approach should be taken. I mean, this is every family, everywhere...having different perspectives on approaches to challenging situations...so when you add in addiction, this “different perspective” can really become problematic. Because there are so many different dynamics, patterns and factors at play, the family cycle of addiction requires open communication, boundaries, and often professional support to address the deeper emotional wounds and patterns that have been ingrained over time.
That sounds easy right??!?! (JK) Ok, so let’s chat about how to shift these cycles with a little DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy)!!!
Disclaimer: If at any time these tools feel too much– like you’re actually starting to feel flooded by the emotions and lose regulation, stop the skills and reach out to a professional to help you safely hold space for these tough emotions.
GET READY FOR SOME DBT to help with anger and shift these cycles we are stuck in while living around addiction!
Today’s DBT exercise is directly targeting the LARGE emotion of ANGER. Anger is possibly one of the most common emotions surrounding addiction, no matter who you are that is involved. When we feel this immense wave of anger, our bodies create an intense physiological response where our muscles might tense up, our blood pressure might increase, and our heart rates and breathing rhythms fluctuate. While some of that might happen, other’s bodies might feel the response of prolonged body aches and pains with the exhaustion from anger that builds into fatigue.
For prevention of these bodily breakdowns from the overwhelming emotion of prolonged anger, we must “shock” the system in healthy ways right in the moment of involuntary adrenaline. This exercise is called TIP, an acronym for intense emotions and supplementation for immediate coping.
Temperature - In a fast moment of anger, whether in front of another person or not, you can immediately exit the conversation or situation and submerge yourself in a cold climate for the sense of shock in your body. For example, you can go outside if it is cold outside, place an ice pack on your forehead or neck, submerge your face and head into ice cold water in the sink, take a hot or cold shower, go into a sauna, a nice COLD PLUNGE, etc…
These examples are going to stimulate your vagus nerve which will naturally promote a calming sensation across your body, and slow down your heart rate to a normal level. This will also distract your body and mind from what it is you are feeling angry about!!
Intense Exercise - Moving your body can release some of the large emotions of anger immediately! You can place your anger on your movement and performance of moving through your emotions. You can also use the adrenaline you’re experiencing to put forth in intense exercise. Going on a fast walk, a run, lifting weights, sprints, riding a bike, push-ups, or dance are all resources for this part. If you are wanting or willing to, you can take this time to either think about what your anger is rooted from or you don’t have to at all, and just be in the moment of releasing your body from the emotion.
Progressive Relaxation - To regulate your body, breathing cycles are going to immediately release stress through either meditation or mindfulness. Start by tensing up every muscle group for a few seconds and then immediately releasing the tension by exhaling at the same time. This allows your mind to pinpoint your attention towards you and the well-being of your body, rather than sitting and building up the feeling of anger.
These are all suggestions for the short-term period to hold space for anger and allow yourself space to work through it in a healthy manner instead of acting on impulse in a negative way. Working through anger physiologically can help with the mental processing first and foremost!!
Blue Lagoon Splash Mocktail:
½ ounce Blue Curacao Syrup
½ ounce of Mango Pulp
½ ounce Coconut Water
3 frozen Mangos
1 completely squeezed Lime
1 ounce of sweet and sour - (I make this myself, since I don’t like the processed flavor, it’s super simple if you want to try, recipe below. )
Instructions: After adding all of the ingredients above, shake the entire mix five times, and then top off with a dash of soda water. Now that the soda water is added, roll from one glass to the next glass once and there you have your tasty Tropical Mocktail!!
Homemade Sweet and Sour:
½ cup sugar
½ water
½ cup fresh squeezed lemon juice
ÂĽ cup fresh squeezed lime juice
Instructions: Mix sugar and water in a saucepan, bring to boil and simmer until sugar is dissolved. Remove from heat and add in the lemon and lime juice.
RETREAT:
Registration just opened for SUBMERGE 2025 - an immersive breathwork and somatic retreat in Steamboat, CO! Reserve your spot today, space is limited! Sign up here!
ONLINE:
1) The Healing Circle -
Free online monthly somatic healing session (led by Heidi, founder of Life N Flow). Mondays @ 6am MST. Learn more and sign up here.
2) The Heart of Recovery -
A weekly meeting that joins Buddhist meditation and spiritual step work, in order to connect to and engage in a commitment to recovery from addiction, and the everyday addictive behaviors and patterns in our lives. Anyone is invited to participate. Learn more here.
3) Al-Anon Meetings -
Al-Anon is a mutual support group for those that live around addiction. Anyone who's lives have been affected by another person’s addiction is welcome. Online electronic meeting information found here.
Local Laramie Events:
1) Al-Anon Meetings -
This link has all recovery meetings for the area, scroll down to see the Al-Anon meeting times and locations. Click here.
2) The Healing Summit -
Calling all healing professionals, teachers, space holders, providers, healers, and facilitators....a weekend to expereince workshops, healing sessions and networking. June 21-23, 2025. Learn more here.
Additional Resources:
1) Podcast: HOPESTREAM - Hopestream Community™ is the not-for-profit destination for support, education and resources for parents of teens and young adults struggling with substance misuse and mental health challenges.
2) Website: SAMHSA - Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administraion -Resource for Families coping with mental health and substance abuse disorders.
3) Website: RECOVERY RESEARCH INSTITUTE - A Guide for family members.
4)Books: Titles that might help you understand addiction and various forms of healing modalities:
Codependent No More - Melody Beattie
In The Realm of Hungry Ghosts - Gabor Mate, M.D.
You Can Heal Your Life - Louise Hay
The Untethered Soul - Micheal Singer
The Body Keeps the Score - Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D.
What Happened to You - Bruce D, Perry , M.D. Ph.D.
The Dance of Anger - Harriet G. Lerner, Ph.D.
A Monks Guide to Happiness - Gelong Thubten
The Let Them Theory - Mel Robbins
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