Understand how to heal YOU while loving those suffering from addiction.
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“Don’t be afraid.”
This is something that we are told countless times as young kids navigating the world. And it comes from a good place and well-meaning people who love us.
Yes, learning that you don’t need to be scared of the basement stairs or your neighbor's gecko is good stuff– but internalizing that fear is inherently “bad” is not good stuff.
It is not right or wrong to feel fear.
Just like it is not right or wrong to feel happy, sad, embarrassed, calm, or confused. These are all just feelings! They are totally neutral and part of the human experience. And around here we are normalizing that all emotions are welcome!
Feel it. Make space for it. Sit with it.
But first what exactly is fear?
According to Merriam-Webster, the definition of fear is:
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A strong feeling of anxiety or concern about something that is happening or might happen.
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An unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.
Ok, so that feels pretty on point for what it’s like living around those struggling with addictions. So many fears arise, and the discomfort often feels like too much to handle. Anxiety takes over from the concerns and fears that arise. Often there is tons of danger when living around addiction too. There are many threats that intrude our thoughts and lives on a daily basis.
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Fear they might relapse.
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Fear they might die.
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Fear they might cause pain to me or my children.
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Fear there won’t be any money to eat, or pay rent.
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Fear of abandonment.
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Fear of what the neighbors will think.
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Fear of losing jobs.
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Fear of loneliness.
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Fear they will throw something.
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Fear of something breaking.
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Fear of separation.
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Fear of death. Fear of death. Fear of death.
Fear is a natural emotion while living around those struggling with addictions. There is no escaping it, and no need to escape it anymore. It is helpful in many ways, and often has a message for you to search out safety and community. A reminder to heal YOU, even while there is chaos that surrounds you.
When living around addiction you may be afraid that the people in your life who are struggling with addiction may come to physical harm when using. To appease these fears there is a concept called harm reduction.
Harm reduction is exactly as it sounds. It is intentional practices and policies that decrease the negative effects surrounding using drugs. So an example of harm reduction would be making sure that people who are using have clean needles that way they are not sharing needles with other people struggling as that can be dangerous and lead to the spread of disease.
These are steps in the right direction because it shows that the person struggling is caring about their health. If you are interested in learning more about harm reduction head to this website https://www.samhsa.gov/substance-use/harm-reduction.
Disclaimer: If at any time these tools feel too much– like you’re actually starting to feel flooded by the emotions and lose regulation, stop the skills and reach out to a professional to help you safely hold space for these tough emotions.
As a family member to someone struggling with addiction, there are a multitude of emotions. How do you respond to the fear of loving those struggling with addiction?
Emotional Regulation skills are going to be some of the most important DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) tools for your growth and effectiveness in healing!
Fear can be rooted from so many nuanced situations in your life. Maybe your loved one is struggling with their physical health, emotional/mental health, or both all at once. The feeling of fear could be rooted from the unknown and what might happen as a result of their addictions and certain behaviors. That alone can spike a lot of anxiety and pressure on family members who witness the addiction journey of their loved ones. Like we discussed above, all these reasons lead to why there is SO. MUCH. FEAR. It’s extremely scary to watch the cycles of addiction unfold in those you love.
There are many techniques to build your Emotional Regulation capacity. The goals of emotional regulation are to name and understand your own emotions, decrease the frequency of the challenging emotions, decrease your vulnerability when those emotions are present, and overall decrease the suffering that happens when these emotions are present (aka….allowing the emotions to be present without hijacking your system or actions).
Opposite to Action is a DBT skill that can be helpful when struggling with the fear of loving those in addiction. When fear arises, it can grow and you feel the pressure to avoid, escape, or even freeze in your steps as a response. When using Opposite to Action, your intention is to do the opposite of what your fear urges you to do and in turn, this promotes your ability to live more presently.
Here’s how to start:
Identify the fear: Acknowledge what it is you are afraid of, and feel within yourself the emotional/mental, and physical response that is coming up for you. Maybe you freeze and feel shocked, maybe you leave the room or situation and distract yourself to escape….
Assess the situation: Now you ask yourself, “is this response equal to the fear at hand, or is this an overreaction/underreaction?” Is there such a thing??
Choose the opposite: Instead of avoiding, escaping, or freezing from the emotion of fear, take the opposite approach to engage with your family member in a healthy way. This is the most uncomfortable stage, because the default is no longer there to act on. This is where you take a very supportive and constructive step towards what you are running from, what is arising, and taking a step towards facing that fear. Maybe the fear is to speak about the addiction in a space that’s comfortable, maybe that looks like overall fear for the future for this person, or the relationship you have with this person/boundaries set. “Facing” may look different every day that you choose to.
Act: The opposite of fear, might be showing calmness and a relaxed state of mind in order to have a constructive conversation or “just being” with the person. Even if this person rejects your thoughts or feelings of fear, there is a foundation that is built when staying firm and calm within yourself when feeling internally afraid. This encourages emotional intelligence and generates potential breaching of the cycle of fear and avoidance and supplements it with supportive action.
THIS IS NOT AN “END ALL–BE ALL” TYPE OF SKILL. Practice. Practice. Practice. Sometimes it feels like it takes a million times before you feel any difference, but each time you practice you are moving towards growth. It’s the habitual repetition that fosters growth through changing old mental patterns.
As I always say, baby steps. Work to change one thought, one action, one step at a time. Loving those that struggle with addiction is hard and scary. Holding space for your fear is possible with practice.
Cucumber Berry Sparkler!!!!
½ of an ounce Strawberry Syrup
½ of an ounce Cucumber Syrup
1 tablespoon Frozen Strawberries
The squeezed juice of 1 Lime
2 ounces Lemonade
Instructions: Add all ingredients above into a shaker bottle, shake 5 times, top with a sprinkle of soda water for extra fizz, and then “roll” the drink once from the shaker bottle into another glass, and TADA!! Strawberry Cucumber Fizz at your service! :)
NEW:
Registration just opened for SUBMERGE 2025 - an immersive breathwork and somatic retreate in Steamboat, CO! Reserve your spot today, space is limited! Sign up here!
Online:
1) The Healing Circle -
Free online monthly somatic healing session (led by Heidi, founder of Life N Flow). Mondays @ 6am MST. Learn more and sign up here.
2) The Heart of Recovery -
A weekly meeting that joins Buddhist meditation and spiritual step work, in order to connect to and engage in a commitment to recovery from addiction, and the everyday addictive behaviors and patterns in our lives. Anyone is invited to participate. Learn more here.
3) Al-Anon Meetings -
Al-Anon is a mutual support group for those that live around addiction. Anyone who's lives have been affected by another person’s addiction is welcome. Online electronic meeting information found here.
Local Laramie Events:
1) Al-Anon Meetings -
This link has all recovery meetings for the area, scroll down to see the Al-Anon meeting times and locations. Click here.
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