Understand how to heal YOU while loving those suffering from addiction.
Was this email forwarded to you? Subscribe now to join our healing community.
Grief is one of the most powerful and complex emotions we experience.
It can feel as if it takes over. It can make it feel impossible to function, let alone heal. Grief can feel numb. Or like a deep ache. Or a pressure on your chest.
And maybe you experience all of that or something completely different.
But here’s the thing: grief isn’t something we need to silently suffer through.
If you have been around me at all, you know living around addiction is a huge part of my story. And that experience comes with some serious grief. Adapting to losses is normal when loving those struggling with addictions.
Loss of........
what was…
what should be….
what could be…
what used to be….
what I wanted to be….
what they wanted to be…
what is.
Here, this says it pretty perfectly:
“Grief does not obey your plans, or your wishes. Grief will do whatever it wants to you, whenever it wants to. In that regard, Grief has a lot in common with Love.” - Elizabeth Gilbert.
For me, grief is like a fog that doesn’t just cloud my mind—it feels like it invades my body, too. The heaviness, the emptiness, the numbness; it can all get lodged in your chest, your throat, and even in the pit of your stomach, making it hard to breathe, to think clearly, and to feel like yourself again.
Sometimes, it feels like an underlying buzz in my nervous system, and other times it hits me like a ton of bricks.
That experience with grief can leave you feeling frozen in time.
And it leaves an incredible, irreplaceable void in your world. A deep, empty space that feels impossible to fill. It’s not just the absence of a person, but the absence of the emotional connections, the routines, and the sense of security that the person possibly provided. Loss of connection to someone you love. This often leads to such emotional numbness, loneliness, loss of purpose, heartache and longing, confusion, the desire to escape, exhaustion, and even a gap in your identity.
Overall, it’s damn hard and can shadow every part of life. That’s where somatic exercises—what I call “QUICKSHIFTS”—come in. These tools are incredibly powerful for working WITH your grief.
BEfore we dive into the QUICKSHIFT to help hold space for grief, lets understand the process of grief a little better.
You may feel like the person struggling with addiction left a hole in your life when you started to set boundaries (we talked a lot about this in the last newsletter)......a deep void.
It could even feel like grieving them even if they have not physically left this world. This is a very common experience. You can go through the stages of grief for them. The five stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. You might deny that they have a problem, you might be angry at them for struggling, you might bargain by thinking you might not need to set boundaries with them or by thinking you can fix them. When this doesn't work you might feel depressed and eventually....... this leads to acceptance.
Remember the stages of grief are not necessarily experienced in a linear fashion and the intensity ranges depending on the person:
-
Denial: In this first stage, individuals may have difficulty accepting the reality of their loss. They might feel numb or disconnected from the situation, as if the event hasn’t happened.
-
Anger: As the reality of the loss begins to set in, feelings of frustration and helplessness can manifest as anger. This anger may be directed at oneself, others, the person who is lost, or even the world at large, and even those in addiction who are still here physically, yet they have changed so deeply it’s unrecognizable.
-
Bargaining: During the bargaining stage, individuals may try to make deals or promises to avoid or reverse the loss. Thinking things like, “If I had done this differently, maybe they would still be here,” or “I will be a better person if only I could have one more day with them.” or with addiction, “If I just helped out more, supported more, didn’t pressure them too much, didn’t activate them, gave them more money, ect”.
-
Depression: As the individual fully acknowledges the reality of the loss, they may experience profound sadness, loneliness, or despair. This stage often involves feelings of hopelessness, grief, and emotional pain as the person faces the enormity of their loss. It's really normal to feel overwhelmed by sadness during this time, and isolated from others.
-
Acceptance: In the final stage, individuals begin to come to terms with the loss and find a way to move forward with their lives. Acceptance doesn’t mean forgetting or no longer feeling sad, but it represents an understanding that life must continue despite the loss. Holding space for all the emotions that surface, allowing and being with the grief, while also experiencing joy and delight in other aspects of life as well.
Really though, everyone experiences grief differently, and grief is very personal and processed in quinque ways. Allow space for your healing process, and reach out to professionals to help you process your grief while living around addiction.
Disclaimer: If at any time these tools feel too much– like you’re actually starting to feel flooded by the emotions and lose regulation, stop the skills and reach out to a professional to help you safely hold space for these tough emotions.
I use lots of tools to learn to hold space for my grief, and movement is a key technuique, as it allows me to "be with" my body while I "be with" the grief. The QUICKSHIFT that I recommend for when you are experiencing grief goes like this:
-
Notice – this is always the first step, and the most important!!! If you don’t notice what’s happening in your system, it’s impossible to make changes! SO, great job already! Can you identify what activates your grief? Name it.
-
Pause – take a deep breath directly into your belly. Exhale super slowly.
-
You can do this in any position, sitting, standing, or laying down.
-
Bring both index fingers to the soft spot in the very center of your chest. The spot directly inward from your nipples.
-
This is the acupressure point located in the center of the chest, near the heart area, often referred to as Shenmen (HT 7) in Traditional Chinese Medicine.
-
Using the tips of both index fingers, begin to press down gently, begin to hold space for your grief.
-
This is the center of your emotional balance, continue pressing gently as you connect to your breath.
-
Inhale, for a count of 2.
-
Exhale, for a count of 2.
-
Continue this pattern of slow, steady breathing as you apply pressure to your heart center.
-
Say hello to your grief, begin to nourish your relationship with it. Notice what arises. Bring awareness to all that surfaces during this practice. Notice the parts of your body as you hold space for all the many aspects of grief that might arise.
-
When you feel the process is complete, return to stillness.
-
Notice your breath. Just notice. Increase your capacity to be with the discomfort, one movement one breath at a time.
-
Continue the deep belly breathing and noticing what has shifted, or moved as you held space for your grief today.
Now, you might be wondering: How can movement help with grief? Isn’t grief something that needs to be “talked through” or “processed emotionally”?
The answer is yes….AND……
While talking about your feelings and reflecting is absolutely important– I have tried and am a fan of sooooo many styles of therapy–AND grief (and all feelings really) is not just an emotional experience. It’s a somatic experience that takes place in your physical body, as well.
This is where somatic exercises, like QUICKSHIFTS, come in to help shift and allow the energy to be present in the body without trying to ignore, numb, or push aside tough feelings.
QUICKSHIFTS are like gently shifting some of that pressure in your system before it overflows. It doesn’t erase the grief. And, it does shift some of the tension and allows you to feel more at ease, more in control, and able to breathe again.
Of course, we need to remind ourselves that we aren’t going to banish the grief. Instead, somatic practices like QUICKSHIFTS create space for you to sit with the grief in a way that feels less suffocating, less isolating, less all-consuming. When you make space for grief to move, it doesn’t need to be so heavy. You can allow it to rise and fall, to come and go, without feeling like it’s taking over your life.
This is the power of somatic healing: it’s not about fixing, erasing, deleting, it’s about shifting.
Holding space for the grief, little bits every day.
Hibiscus Kiss
3 Tbsp Hibiscus tea leaves
3 mint sprigs (save 1 for garnish)
2 cups boiling water
3 Tbsp Honey
1 tsp fresh lemon juice
Soda water
Extra lemon slices for garnish
Instructions: Boil the water, steep the hibiscus tea and mint leaves for about 4 minutes. Add in the honey, stir well until dissolved. Allow to cool. Add the mixture to your favorite glass with some ice, add in the lemon juice. Cut a whole lemon in slices, place the mint sprig through the center of the lemon wheel, and garnish atop the beverage. Enjoy!
RETREAT:
Registration just opened for SUBMERGE 2025 - an immersive breathwork and somatic retreat in Steamboat, CO! Reserve your spot today, space is limited! Sign up here!
ONLINE:
1) The Healing Circle -
Free online monthly somatic healing session (led by Heidi, founder of Life N Flow). Mondays @ 6am MST. Learn more and sign up here.
2) The Heart of Recovery -
A weekly meeting that joins Buddhist meditation and spiritual step work, in order to connect to and engage in a commitment to recovery from addiction, and the everyday addictive behaviors and patterns in our lives. Anyone is invited to participate. Learn more here.
3) Al-Anon Meetings -
Al-Anon is a mutual support group for those that live around addiction. Anyone who's lives have been affected by another person’s addiction is welcome. Online electronic meeting information found here.
Local Laramie Events:
1) Al-Anon Meetings -
This link has all recovery meetings for the area, scroll down to see the Al-Anon meeting times and locations. Click here.
2) The Healing Summit -
Calling all healing professionals, teachers, space holders, providers, healers, and facilitators....a weekend to expereince workshops, healing sessions and networking. June 21-23, 2025. Learn more here.
Additional Resources:
1) Podcast: HOPESTREAM - Hopestream Community™ is the not-for-profit destination for support, education and resources for parents of teens and young adults struggling with substance misuse and mental health challenges.
2) Website: SAMHSA - Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administraion -Resource for Families coping with mental health and substance abuse disorders.
3) Website: RECOVERY RESEARCH INSTITUTE - A Guide for family members.
4)Books: Titles that might help you understand addiction and various forms of healing modalities:
Codependent No More - Melody Beattie
In The Realm of Hungry Ghosts - Gabor Mate, M.D.
You Can Heal Your Life - Louise Hay
The Untethered Soul - Micheal Singer
The Body Keeps the Score - Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D.
What Happened to You - Bruce D, Perry , M.D. Ph.D.
The Dance of Anger - Harriet G. Lerner, Ph.D.
A Monks Guide to Happiness - Gelong Thubten
The Let Them Theory - Mel Robbins
Responses