Understand how to heal YOU while loving those suffering from addiction.
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If you have lived, or are currently living around addiction, you are likely familiar with resentment. Resentment is an uncomfortable and unfortunate truth of an uncomfortable and unfortunate circumstance.
Of course, there is no right or wrong way to feel about living around addiction, but resentment is unbelievably common. Which makes total sense…
Resentment is often rooted in the feeling that you have been treated unfairly by someone or a set of circumstances. And it is deeply unfair to be put in a situation where you are living around addiction. You are not responsible for or in control of the addict’s actions, and yet you are profoundly impacted by them.
That is not fair.
But, yes, you can deeply love the person in addiction and still feel resentment.
I have been there and I know.
This doesn't make you a bad person– just like you shouldn’t be judged for any emotions that you experience.
Emotions are totally normal and neutral. And around here we are all about normalizing ALL of the emotions. Just like we normalize talking about difficult things– like loving someone deeply and still feeling that resentment.So, if you are feeling this way, know that you are seen, you are not alone, and you do not have to be stuck here.
While feeling resentment is nothing to be ashamed of, it is also not healthy for your nervous system or you as a whole over an extended period of time.This emotion is complicated and complex, and it can become all consuming. That consumption can take over your nervous system– which then impacts your mental and physical health. Resentment is one of those emotions that can feel unsettling and unsafe in our body and that triggers our Fight or Flight response. Living in that heightened state of awareness can lead to fatigue or burnout.
This chronic resenment -tress makes it difficult to sleep and can lead to depression and/or anxiety.
The increased cortisol levels weaken our immune system.
These symptoms aren’t new or shocking.
We know that chronic stress is bad for you. We can look at it objectively– when it’s a hypothetical situation…but if you are living with these symptoms and have been for a long time, it is likely that you are masking them. This is a survival method, and I’ve been there.
I’m also here to tell you that one way or another these symptoms will keep popping up and keep making themselves known in louder and more impactful ways until you do something to address the root of the issue. So, we have to address the resentment. Ignoring and shoving the feeling down will inevitably make it worse.
So… where do we go from here? One of the most impactful ways to shift from resentment into compassion is through some hella firm boundaries!
There is a lot of talk around forgiveness within recovery. This felt hard for me. And still does. Forgiveness is said to be the primary way to process healing, and when I frist started this journey, I wanted nothing to do with this word. I brusteld at the sound of it, “why do I have to forgive, constantly? This is bull S!*T."
They’ve never said sorry.
They don’t care what they’ve done.
I am deeply hurting and now you want me to do even more, and work to forgive them?
It was through the idea of compassion that I was able to soften my resentment towards my loved ones, not through the normal idea of forgiveness. I want to remind you that there are many avenues to the same destination, and find the tools, ideas, and healing avenues that resonate for you.
I heard through the work of Brene Brown’s research that the people with the most compassion are those with the strongest boundaries. That REALLY hit home for me and my healing journey. That was somthing I knew I needed to work on, and it gave me a concrete area in my life to grow.
MORE BOUNDARIES = MORE COMPASSION.
MORE BOUNDARIES = MORE COMPASSION.
MORE BOUNDARIES = MORE COMPASSION.
MORE BOUNDARIES = MORE COMPASSION.
MORE BOUNDARIES = MORE COMPASSION.
MORE BOUNDARIES = MORE COMPASSION.
MORE BOUNDARIES = MORE COMPASSION.
MORE BOUNDARIES = MORE COMPASSION.
MORE BOUNDARIES = MORE COMPASSION.
Really though, it works. That’s why I repeat in my life so often.
So how to do that while living around addiction? Setting healthy boundaries involves communicating what is acceptable and what is not, while maintaining self-respect and protecting one's own well-being. These boundaries might include refusing to tolerate abusive behavior, limiting financial support if the addiction is being enabled, or taking a step back emotionally when the addiction is causing harm. Boundaries help define personal space and safety, and when communicated with love and respect, they can offer a framework for the addicted individual to understand the impact of their behavior.
At the same time, having boundaries allows us, as family members, to preserve our own healthy, mentally and physically.
This way, we don’t lose ourselves in the process.
Disclaimer: If at any time these tools feel too much– like you’re actually starting to feel flooded by the emotions and lose regulation, stop the skills and reach out to a professional to help you safely hold space for these tough emotions.
Feeling resentment for someone you love is very heavy at times.....you want compassion, and instead.....resentment floods in. SO....here is a Dialectical Behavior Technique for building BOUNDARIES :
Be Aware of Self: Notice what you are doing, sharing, and expressing. Does your behavior fit the situation, does it feel comfortable for you and others involved? How are your present behaviors and boundaries already serving or dis-serving you.
Observe Others and the Situation: What is happening in the moment right now? Are these healthy behaviors? Observing others does not mean following or copying how their behavior is fitting the situation either, but just being aware of all angles is important.
Understand Your and Others’ Limits: Be aware of what is important to you and define it. Define what other’s limits and boundaries are, and do not push those. Notice the difference between your boundaries and theirs.
Negotiate Sometimes: Put self-respect above anything, do not negotiate that….however, negotiate only when there is a benefit in adjustment. If you feel the boundaries created are being used and abused, allow yourself to tighten them and adjust where you see fits. If they are already rigid, maybe work on some flexibility and wiggle room!
Differences Exist: Some boundaries look different for every person, especially when someone is struggling with addiction. Respect others’ differences, just as you want them to respect yours and communicate about it effectively with this person. Never take the boundaries personally, as that is set by someone other than yourself so it is okay if that doesn’t make sense for you but will for them.
Always Remember Your Values: Creating boundaries is deeply rooted in how much you respect and love yourself. These are also created with good intention of others, and follows your beliefs, values, and guidance/direction in your life. How do YOU feel resentment will decrease if you cannot build boundaries for yourself and others? This inherently allows your to have more respect for the person you are in full resentment mode for, and can provide a butterfly effect for the person in addiction to build boundaries and more respect for themselves as well.
Your Safety Comes First: Avoid situations that might break your boundaries, but if that happens, you communicate that effectively.
Overall, setting boundaries with someone who is addicted can be extremely difficult because it is easy to overlook yourself and take care of them first. That only promotes more resentment because you are giving in again and again. Subtle but strong boundaries allows a good balance of caring for someone but ultimately doing what is best for both in this situation.
Cran-You-Feel-The-Bliss
1 tbsp. Frozen Blackberries
1 completely squeezed lime
1 ounce Blackberry syrup
3 ounces Cranberry Juice
Soda water
Instructions: After adding all of the ingredients above, shake the shaker bottle 5 times, and then top off with soda water. Now roll from one glass to the next glass once, and you have yourself a refreshing berry mocktail!!
RETREAT:
Registration just opened for SUBMERGE 2025 - an immersive breathwork and somatic retreat in Steamboat, CO! Reserve your spot today, space is limited! Sign up here!
ONLINE:
1) The Healing Circle -
Free online monthly somatic healing session (led by Heidi, founder of Life N Flow). Mondays @ 6am MST. Learn more and sign up here.
2) The Heart of Recovery -
A weekly meeting that joins Buddhist meditation and spiritual step work, in order to connect to and engage in a commitment to recovery from addiction, and the everyday addictive behaviors and patterns in our lives. Anyone is invited to participate. Learn more here.
3) Al-Anon Meetings -
Al-Anon is a mutual support group for those that live around addiction. Anyone who's lives have been affected by another person’s addiction is welcome. Online electronic meeting information found here.
Local Laramie Events:
1) Al-Anon Meetings -
This link has all recovery meetings for the area, scroll down to see the Al-Anon meeting times and locations. Click here.
2) The Healing Summit -
Calling all healing professionals, teachers, space holders, providers, healers, and facilitators....a weekend to expereince workshops, healing sessions and networking. June 21-23, 2025. Learn more here.
Additional Resources:
1) Podcast: HOPESTREAM - Hopestream Community™ is the not-for-profit destination for support, education and resources for parents of teens and young adults struggling with substance misuse and mental health challenges.
2) Website: SAMHSA - Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administraion -Resource for Families coping with mental health and substance abuse disorders.
3) Website: RECOVERY RESEARCH INSTITUTE - A Guide for family members.
4)Books: Titles that might help you understand addiction and various forms of healing modalities:
Codependent No More - Melody Beattie
In The Realm of Hungry Ghosts - Gabor Mate, M.D.
You Can Heal Your Life - Louise Hay
The Untethered Soul - Micheal Singer
The Body Keeps the Score - Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D.
What Happened to You - Bruce D, Perry , M.D. Ph.D.
The Dance of Anger - Harriet G. Lerner, Ph.D.
A Monks Guide to Happiness - Gelong Thubten
The Let Them Theory - Mel Robbins
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