SHAME: The silent grip

Understand how to heal YOU while loving those suffering from addiction. 

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Movin’ – Groovin’ – Healin’

That’s my proposal for a Somatic Therapy bumper sticker. That deep and impressive power of Somatic Therapy really can be that simple if we want to distill it down.

Now, you know, I have used Somatic practices, like the QUICKSHIFT we are talking about today, to work with the full spectrum of emotions that pop up in our life. For me, a big chunk of those emotions are connected to healing from living around loved ones with addiction.

That’s part of my story– a big part of my story– and I am proud to be able to share that with you...

Now.

But, it wasn’t always that way. Living around addiction brought up immense feelings of shame for a very long time, and I had to learn how to make space for that feeling. I had to learn to work with shame, so it didn’t stop me from living my vibrant, colorful, beautiful life I am creating.

Around here, we shamelessly invite in every emotion. Yes, even, ironically enough, shame.

There’s no shame in feeling shame, but even if there was that shame would be okay… Uh, wow. We could get stuck in a real vicious shame/no-shame cycle here. 

I love this excerpt from Brene Brown’s book Atlas of the Heart, and her definition and examples of shame (I added some of my own examples to hers too:): 

• Shame is hiding the fact that your loved ones struggle with addiction. 

• Shame is raging at my kids. 

• Shame is bankruptcy.

• Shame is feeling behind in your career. 

• Shame is getting laid off and having to tell my pregnant wife. 

• Shame is not making partner. 

• Shame is my, or my loved ones DUI.

• Shame is eating to cope.

• Shame is infertility. 

• Shame is telling my fiance that my dad lives in France, when in reality he’s in prison. 

• Shame is internet porn. 

• Shame is laying in bed for days at a time. 

• Shame is flunking out of school. Twice. 

• Shame is hearing my parents fight through the walls and wondering if I’m the only one who feels this afraid. 

• Shame is not showing up for yourself, over and over again. 

• Shame is keeping it a secret that I’m in recovery. 

• Shame is keeping it a secret that my loved one is in recovery.

• Shame is failing to work out. 

• Shame is missing a daily practice. 

• Shame is relapse. 

• Shame is keeping a loved one's relapse a secret. 

• Shame is hiding the bruise on your face.

It's time to understand and get curious about the shame in your life and how it shows up. What is your shame really trying to tell you? 

I've already mentioned one of my favorite people who talks openly about shame, Brene Brown. Here's her defintion: Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging and connection. 

The point is... shame is everywhere, woven into so many aspects of our lives. And today, we are making space for this emotion and it starts with a bit of movement. Allowing space for shame to exist, while building a relationship with the messages that shame is trying to show you. Shame must have secrecy, silence and judgement to thrive, so how can you notice your shame and start to allow it to express in a more healthy avenue throughout your life? 

How does shame creep into your life? 

According to Brown, shame is a powerful and painful emotion that makes people feel unworthy of love and belonging. She often differentiates between shame and guilt, with shame being about the self ("I am bad") and guilt being about behavior ("I did something bad"). She emphasizes that shame thrives in secrecy, silence, and judgment. I mean….this screams living around addiction, right?!?

SECRECY. SILENCE. JUDGEMENT. 

SECRECY……shhhhhhhhhhhh, don’t let the neighbors/teachers/other parents/family members know what’s really going on at our house. Minimize the destruction of property, downplay the alcohol consumption, give excuses for their absence.

SILENCE……don’t say anything at all. Deny the truth. Turn your eyes away from the destructive patterns. Don’t bring up tough conversations, allow the patterns to continue, ignore the cycles, try to keep the peace at all costs, keep silent and tell no one, hold the facade of perfection strong. 

JUDGEMENT….not measuring up to the societal expectations, feeling the pressure of failure, the reality of being “that dysfunctional” family. 

To overcome shame, Brown advocates for vulnerability, which involves embracing imperfections and sharing our struggles with others in a compassionate, non-judgmental environment. Berene often discusses the idea of "shame resilience," which involves acknowledging shame, recognizing its triggers, and learning how to respond to it in a healthier way. In her book "The Gifts of Imperfection," she explores how cultivating a sense of self-worth, practicing authenticity, and embracing vulnerability can help individuals reduce the power of shame in their lives.

Imagine, learning how to interact with shame differently within your relationships, being able to have awareness when activated, therefore responding differently and more healthily. This takes time, and is a practice. Vulnerability is scary, so find safe spaces to begin to understand the shame you experience. The key is to find an environment where you feel accepted and understood. 

WHERE TO START?

Individual Therapy Sessions

Specialized Group Therapy 

Al-Anon or recovery meetings

And you’ll hear me say this again and again, allow yourself  space to hold space for shame. I use somatic practices, along with therapy, group work, yoga and other practices to build resilience within my nervous system, and allow me to find ways to access vulnerability to be with shame. 

Ok, are you ready to hold space for your shame with a QUICKSHIFT? 

Disclaimer: If at any time these tools feel too much– like you’re actually starting to feel flooded by the emotions and lose regulation, stop the skills and reach out to a professional to help you safely hold space for these tough emotions. 

Okay, here’s where we get into the goods. The actual movin’ and groovin’ that you are going to use to help you heal!

The QUICKSHIFT that I recommend for when you are experiencing shame goes like this:

• Notice - this is always the first step, and the most important!!! If you don’t notice what’s happening in your system, it’s impossible to make changes! SO, great job already!

• Pause - take a deep breath directly into your belly. Exhale super slowly. 

• Find a comfortable seated position. 

• Begin with a tall spine. Abs slightly engaged towards your spine. 

• Exhale all the air out of your lungs. 

• As you inhale, begin to find a slight arch in your spine. Moving your chest forward and up. 

• Slightly gaze upwards as your chest expands and spine arches. 

• On your exhale begin to roll your spine in the opposite direction, curling your chin and head forward. 

• Allow your shoulders to round forward. 

• Chin comes towards chest. 

• Spine is extended as far as possible. 

• Again, inhale and begin to move through the cycle again. 

• Spine arches, shoulders round back, chin slightly moves upwards and gaze is towards the horizon out in front of you. 

• Repeat this cycle several times. 

• Remember to stay connected to that deep belly breathing as you move, it’s part of the magic! 

• And, say hello to the shame that’s present in your life. Yup, you heard me. Talk to it, say hello. Give it permission to exist, even if it feels all consuming and overpowering. It’s trying to tell you something, even if you don’t understand. Start the relationship by saying hello while you hold space for it with the QUICKSHIFT.

• Move through this QUICKSHIFT for 1-3 minutes. 

• Stop after you feel complete, notice any shifts in your emotional and physical body.

Alright– you officially created space for, moved through, danced with (whatever phrasing you prefer) shame! 

What’s next?

You show up again tomorrow. And the next day. And the next.

You keep showing up. Maybe you do this same exact movement or you can do different QUICKSHIFT based on the emotions that you notice are coming up for you, check out the different newsletters for more somatic QUICKSHIFTS and DBT techniques (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) to help you hold space for the vast array of emotions that are present when you love those struggling with addictions. 

With these Somatic Therapy exercises, it’s less about exactly how it looks or following my description of the movements to a tee; it’s much more about showing up consistently.

Keep practicing. Notice what works for you. Take time to reflect on your feelings and your experiences.

These consistent steps are leading you towards healing. I know this because I have been right where you are and I am still on this path. Healing doesn’t have a finish line, but when I look back now at how far I have come, it truly blows my mind. It may not feel like much in the moment or day to day, but over time the results are absolutely incredible.

YOU ARE worth your time. It’s worth showing up. KEEP HEALING YOU. 

NEEDS RECIPE!!!! 

3 ounces Strawberry Puree

1 ounce Real Coconut 

3 ounces Pineapple Juice 

3 ounces Sour Mix (make your own with the recipe from newsletter no.7)

½ ounce Grenadine 

2 Marachino Cherries 

Whip cream

1 Orange Wheel (orange peel shaped into a wheel on a toothpick, if you want to be creative) 😀

Instructions: Combine all ingredients in blender and blend until smooth, pour into your glass, and garnish with whipped cream, orange wheel,  and cherries! 

RETREAT: 

Registration just opened for SUBMERGE 2025 - an immersive breathwork and somatic retreat in Steamboat, CO! Reserve your spot today, space is limited! Sign up here! 

ONLINE: 

1) The Healing Circle -

Free online monthly somatic healing session (led by Heidi, founder of Life N Flow). Mondays @ 6am MST. Learn more and sign up here. 

2) The Heart of Recovery -

A weekly meeting that joins Buddhist meditation and spiritual step work, in order to connect to and engage in a commitment to recovery from addiction, and the everyday addictive behaviors and patterns in our lives. Anyone is invited to participate. Learn more here. 

3) Al-Anon Meetings - 

Al-Anon is a mutual support group for those that live around addiction. Anyone who's lives have been affected by another person’s addiction is welcome. Online electronic meeting information found here. 

Local Laramie Events: 

1) Al-Anon Meetings -

This link has all recovery meetings for the area, scroll down to see the Al-Anon meeting times and locations. Click here. 

2) The Healing Summit - 

Calling all healing professionals, teachers, space holders, providers, healers, and facilitators....a weekend to expereince workshops, healing sessions and networking. June 21-23, 2025. Learn more here. 

Additional Resources: 

1) Podcast: HOPESTREAM - Hopestream Community™ is the not-for-profit destination for support, education and resources for parents of teens and young adults struggling with substance misuse and mental health challenges.

2) Website: SAMHSA - Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administraion -Resource for Families coping with mental health and substance abuse disorders.

3) Website: RECOVERY RESEARCH INSTITUTE - A Guide for family members.

4)Books: Titles that might help you understand addiction and various forms of healing modalities: 

         Codependent No More - Melody Beattie 

         In The Realm of Hungry Ghosts - Gabor Mate, M.D.

        You Can Heal Your Life - Louise Hay

        The Untethered Soul - Micheal Singer

        The Body Keeps the Score - Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D.

        What Happened to You - Bruce D, Perry , M.D. Ph.D.

        The Dance of Anger - Harriet G. Lerner, Ph.D.

        A Monks Guide to Happiness - Gelong Thubten 

        The Let Them Theory - Mel Robbins